Rachel Kiser
Blogger | Mom of Two

Ever since our daughter was born, my husband and I have made a habit of sneaking into her room to, as we put it, “peek in on her.” Sometimes we even fight over who gets to twist the doorknob, because that person gets to catch the first glimpse of our peacefully sleeping little girl. When she was an infant, we would often laugh at the sleep positions we found her in. Some nights we would sit on the floor by her crib (which is now her big-girl bed) and just watch. I think it’s been our way of rounding out what is, very often, a long day. Laying it to rest. Too many nights to count, this has been an emotional part of our routine. I can’t tell you all of the times over the years, nearly 1,400 nights she has lived, that my husband or I (or both of us) have choked up watching her sleep. There’s something about seeing our daughter, laid out in bed and perfectly still, that consistently shows us just how big she’s gotten. Somewhere along the line she went from being a tiny little rolled up burrito baby to a sprawled out, leggy preschooler. These precious nighttime peek-ins are truly moments of clarity for us.

Talk to any mom on a heart-level about parenting and you’ll quickly find this: to raise children is to live in the tension of joy and grief. It’s often between the lines, but it’s there. They are in no way mutually exclusive I’ve come to find, and, as a mother, I see myself swinging between the two on any given day. Sometimes the moments of joy are more resilient and powerful than the tiny twinges of grief. Sometimes it feels like the grief is a giant boulder weighing on my chest.

It’s in both the way we cry when we first hear the word, “Mama” come out of their mouths, and in the first time they push us away when we try to give them a hug. It’s in our frustrated tears when we can’t get our baby to sleep in the middle of the night, and it’s in the way our hearts swell when they snuggle to our chests. It’s in those heart-squeezing moments when you watch them go down the big slide alone at the park for the first time, realizing they don’t need your lap anymore. And, I can imagine, it’s both in our fear in the middle of the night as we wait up for them to come home and when we smile and clap at their college graduation. Breaths of joy coupled with sighs of grief; Nights of peek-ins, full of both gratitude and lumps in your throat.

The thing I implore myself to remember, that I implore every mother to remember is this: the state of feeling it all points directly to the unique privilege we have been given. I feel it all because I have it all. Not in the sense of achieving some sort of perfection or never suffering loss. We get to have it all as we walk our kids, and ourselves, through life. This very act, this peak of human experience that we call parenting can do nothing but usher in the full gamut of emotions. So, parents, embrace the peek-ins and sneaky kisses and hundreds more moments of letting go, when your hearts are squeezed to the last drop, especially in joy, and even in pain.

About Rachel Kiser

Rachel is a wife and mother living in Raleigh, North Carolina. She’s a fan of good coffee, wearer of gray t-shirts, and is constantly starting books she will never finish. Her family is her joy, and she loves to engage with other moms and dads on matters of parenting. Her blog posts have also been featured on the Today Show Parenting Blog and Scary Mommy.

View all posts by Rachel Kiser here.