Rachel Kiser
Blogger | Mom of Two
It’s a question I’ve long pondered, and even asked of both my own mother and my mother-in-law: Have moms always been as unhappy as they seem to be right now?
The internet is awash with articles on how absolutely unenjoyable it is to parent small children. And it’s not just online; it’s in the way parents speak to one another, within relationships and even in passing interactions, as well. It’s considered being ‘real’ if you talk about how unhappy, strung out, or unfulfilled you are.
On the other hand, if you’re generally content or, dare I say happy, it’s said that you’re not being authentic, or that you’re only sharing the more white-washed and polished parts of your life.
If we continue to tell ourselves, and each other, that it’s normal and expected to not enjoy these child-rearing years, we’re perpetuating a mentality that lends itself to missing out on literal decades of our lives. And our children’s lives. Poof. They’re gone; they’ve disappeared into an abyss while we resigned ourselves to being miserable.
And do you know what the sad thing is about time? It’s impossible to get it back.
It’s my firm stance that we need to reclaim this stage of life.
This stage, where we are able to watch little people, who we created, see and experience everything for the very first time.
This stage, where they have unbridled trust and affection for us, despite our imperfection.
This stage, where we get the gift of learning that life is not always all about us.
For the record, I fully accept that part of this process is accepting that sometimes it is just plain hard. There needs to be space to talk about the difficulties of parenthood and grace for painful circumstances. But when, exactly, did we start believing the lie that anything that is hard is not inherently good, or worth fighting for? I’m of the opinion that the things in life that are difficult are often the most edifying. Raising children most definitely fits that bill.
There are two words that have been floating around the parenting world more recently that really resonate with me and nail down the way I want to live my life in this season: intentional and mindful. Mindfulness is defined as a mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment; Intentionality: the act of being purposeful, deliberate.
I want to be mindful of this stage of life; observant of what is presently in front of me. I notice the way our daughter trusts my husband with reckless abandon as she leaps off of a ledge and into his arms. I see that, often, her tears and upsets are a simple request to be heard. I take note of my toddler son asking to get ‘up’ so I can carry him where his pointing finger takes us as he explores the fascinating world of light switches, hanging lanterns, and bookshelves from the safety of my arms.
I will attempt to live every day with intention. I’ll banish my phone, turn down the radio in the car, and ask leading questions. Instead of rushing out of their bedrooms in the evening, I will pick my kids’ brains and ask them what their highs and lows of the day were. I’ll try to keep the words, “hurry up” out of my vocabulary. I’ll put down my knife as I’m chopping vegetables for dinner when my daughter asks me to snuggle next to her on the couch, because someday she may just stop asking.
I know that this post may seem idealistic, and some days my attempts at intentionality and mindfulness will be overshadowed by exhaustion, sadness, or frustration. But what remains, even on those days, is the overwhelming desire to delight in and not miss out on my kids’ childhoods or this season of my young adult life. When I focus on these things, even in the midst of the hectic or challenging, I am happy.
What holds you back from living with mindfulness and intentionality? I’d love to hear how you purposefully enjoy raising your kids!
About Rachel Kiser
Rachel is a wife and mother living in Raleigh, North Carolina. She’s a fan of good coffee, wearer of gray t-shirts, and is constantly starting books she will never finish. Her family is her joy, and she loves to engage with other moms and dads on matters of parenting. Her blog posts have also been featured on the Today Show Parenting Blog and Scary Mommy.
View all posts by Rachel Kiser here.
0 Comments on “The Myth of the Happy Modern Mom”
Perhaps the pendulum has swung, but 15 years ago when my wife and I began having children we were looked at like we had a 3rd eye when we expressed anything but exuberance at child-rearing. We resented that. I am not disagreeing with you, but a person does a far greater service being honest as to the hardships of ANY endeavor, rather than being too afraid or detached to speak up as to how difficult a task may be. You can abandon a project you rushed into or even a marriage, but a child is forever. Have a child for the sake of the child … NOT your personal satisfaction …. Oh and you may like the quote, “Self-esteem is built by doing difficut things.”
Back for my Mom(91) life was easier because they only had our family ,home garden,animals and everyone worked together,if her father needed a shelter for his animals the whole town showed up and the women took care of the kids and knitted or some sort of fancy work while they cooked a meal them all.They all helped one another with whatever had to be done,and no money ever exchanged hands.Today World,we have everything at our fingertips and we have become so wasteful.We are living in a i believe unhappy,unsafe,unhealthy World.